By Steven Gibson

25th February 2010

I MOVED TO MELBOURNE IN 1995 IN ORDER TO have a blood test. I was 99.9% sure I was HIV positive after a series of events, that gave me cause for concern – I just needed a blood test to confirm.

Diagnosis was only going to prove what I suspected, but still it is a big thing, there slim chance I might be negative, gave me some hope.

I went to see a mates doctor, and the results of the first blood test, the prognosis wasn’t good. I think that if the doctor has told me I had something else, like syphilis, gonorrhea or cancer, I probably would have fallen apart. 

I returned to see the doctor some weeks later, and he confirmed what I suspected, I was HIV positive.

Denial is something a lot of people go through, and can never quite admit, and I was one of them. No, I didn’t go around blatantly saying, I didn’t have this disease, I continued on as nothing had happened, as I like to put it, I was ‘burning the candle at both ends and in the middle’, on a destructive path; I was smoking a lot a pot and drinking more than ever seen me drink – this even to me was out of character. 

A friend told me not long after I was diagnosed, I would be dead in twelve months. 

That was fifteen years ago.

At the time, I was doing all the wrong things. I just couldn’t get my head around being diagnosed with a life threatening illness. 

My denial came to a crashing end in December 1998 when I attempted suicide.

While my diagnosis wasn’t the only reason for the attempt, it was at the top of the heap. From where I was, the world just didn’t look too rosy to me, and I didn’t want to be apart of it – in my mind, I had no future.

Acceptance came with a cost, but thankfully I was able to get the counseling I needed, and the support from friends, to pull me over the line.

After my suicide attempt I was staying with a friend and on one horrible day, after I fainted from all the stress I was under, he told me, openly and honestly, what I was now feeling was depression, something that comes hand in hand with HIV, and he said simply, "get used to it." 

As I had now stopped smoking (pot) and drinking, literally overnight, I was suffering withdrawals, and my depression had no gone into overdrive.

Acceptance was something that finally came, and man, did take a while. I remember seeing one of numerous counselors’ back in 1997, and I had this burning urge to tell my mother, in my mind I didn’t want her to find out the hard way, if I suddenly ended up in hospital. 

My counselor asked me why it was that I had to tell my mother, and I wasn’t able to answer him. He said that I had to accept this before I could tell her, and that was the most amazing thing anyone had said to me, and it was true; accepting my diagnosis and living with it, were two completely different things, and continue to be.

I guess acceptance eventually came after much soul searching, trying to understand ‘WHY’, and it came to the realisation that ‘shit happens, and there is nothing we can do about it’.

The final part of this journey was living with my HIV.

Since the diagnosis I have accepted the fact I have a life threatening illness, but that doesn’t mean my life is over, I am not ‘damages goods’.

In 2003, I went overseas, and this changed my life. I was introduced to a community development by a man I met in New Jersey, and upon my return, I commenced study in Community Development in 2005 at Swinburne. The next four years were the best four years of my life.

Prior to going back to education, I got involved with the community on the Collingwood estate where I live. I found a purpose, something to motivate me and this was something that I never ever thought I would do, back when I was diagnosed. 

I just wanted to cheap way out, to give up and die, but now I am living with my HIV, we are a symbiotic partnership, it doesn’t rule my life anymore, it is apart of my life.

I am involved in raising awareness about HIV/AIDS where ever I can, I will talk to anyone who will listen, and as I have said many times’ if I can reach one person, I have achieved my goal, and I know I have done this. 

Contact Steven at Gibson.steven@bigpond.com and visit his blog http://australian-student-aids-campaign.blogspot.com